Sometimes it was only an hour.
Sometimes, a week.
But this time, the mental torture I had battled throughout my life reached its longest term.
For three straight months, I lived in a deep pit of self-loathing, believing I was completely worthless, useless, and doomed to failure. I wasn’t close to God anymore. I didn’t base my worth on the sacrifice of my Savior. Instead, I worshipped something else: vanity.
Not in the sense that I thought I was beautiful, but rather the opposite. I truly believed I was hideous.
I worked hard to eat well, to exercise, to dress impressively, hoping that others would see me and think, “Wow, she’s a beautiful person.”
Except it didn’t matter.
Even when they told me I was beautiful, I didn’t believe them. I would say to myself, ‘They don’t know what I really look like. This is all fake. I’m really an ugly person who needs a lot of work. But no one will love me if they know I’m ugly. No one will care about me.’
And then I’d have a break where I thought maybe I wasn’t so bad. Maybe I even liked myself.
Until one day, yet again, I’d wake up and go through it all over again.
First, I’d stop eating healthy food. What was the point?
Then, I’d stop exercising. I was fat anyway.
Finally, I’d stop dressing well. How could variations of polyester and cotton disguise my ugliness?
I was drowning in a pool of insecurity and every precious breath came with another negative thought.
My productivity was entirely based on how I felt each day. If I felt ugly, I could barely move.
If I felt good, I worked harder, studied harder, and felt kinder.
I had heard of spiritual warfare before, but the concept was strange to me. That was something other people dealt with. Something you heard about from old exorcists on TV documentaries. Not something you see in real life. Until I did. In my life.
It had started out as a bad day.
By early afternoon, I had laid down to take a nap because I couldn’t find the motivation to do anything else. My house was cluttered. My laundry needed to be put away. My books were scattered everywhere. My Bible lay on a chair nearby, barely visible under the blanket I’d thrown on top of it.
The thought of all these things depressed me even more and I lay on the couch, then forced myself to sleep.
That’s when I had the dream.
First, I saw myself looking in the bathroom mirror.
A black shadow was behind me, and the room was darkened with its presence. In the mirror was a distorted version of myself. My dream-self couldn’t see the truth. She stared sadly at her reflection, believing what stood before her.
Then the mirror shattered into darkness.
Suddenly I was somewhere else.
I sat crying with my head in my hands, unaware that a battle raged behind me. The shadowy figure was now locked in combat, dodging an angel’s sword as I fought accusations of unworthiness.
And then the dream shifted.
This time, I was sitting on my bed, praying fervently, the shadowy figure looming behind me.
I heard myself say, “I rebuke you, spirit of vanity, and I claim my place as a daughter of God, always beautiful in His eyes. Release me!”
The angel suddenly appeared as if I’d opened a doorway and quickly thrust his sword into the shadow figure, who then screamed in agony and vanished.
I woke up coated in sweat. I sat on the sofa for several minutes, trying to convince myself it was only a dream.
But the images wouldn’t leave me.
The distorted reflection.
The battle behind me.
The words I had heard myself speak.
And then, finally, I stopped fighting the conviction. I knew what I needed to do.
I hurried over to my reading chair and pulled the blanket away. My Bible sat where I had left it, buried beneath the mess. I hugged it against my chest and felt tears sting my eyes. Then I went into my bedroom, sat on my bed, and repeated the prayer.
“I rebuke you, spirit of vanity, and I claim my place as a daughter of God, always beautiful in His eyes! In Jesus’ name, release me!”
I didn’t expect what happened next.
My entire body prickled painfully with pins and needles. It felt as if I was sitting in a bucket of ice and had suddenly been thrown into boiling water. I felt a shudder go down my spine all the way to my toes. A pressure lifted off of me.
And then warmth came over me.
I suddenly felt like a feather. Light, weightless, floating.
Free.
I sat there in stunned silence. Had that really worked? Had I really been fighting a spirit this whole time?
I had to find out.
I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. The first thing I noticed was that my hair was brown, my skin was clear, and I was looking back at myself blankly.
This was significant.
Before, I didn’t look in the mirror and observe details. I observed flaws. My nose. My eyes. My skin. Always something.
But now? I simply saw a woman staring back at me. I realized I didn’t care. I was just me.
The freedom felt in that moment is something I’ll never forget.
My prayer life became significantly more important after that. Because I realized… we aren’t alone.
Every moment, every day, there is a real battle for our souls. We might not see it, but it’s happening.
So, the second doubts creep in, remember where they come from.
Know the truth.
Use your sword.
Remember who you belong to. And never forget that you are beautifully and wonderfully made.
– END –
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
Ephesians 6:13-18
And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.
Belt of Truth
Carry the gift of salvation with you, follow Jesus’ commands and always seek His truth. The Belt holds the Sword and enables us to speak the Word with Truth — never for deceptive purposes.
Jesus said to the people who believed in him, “You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:31-32)
Breastplate of Righteousness
Have a virtuous heart and guard it carefully from moral depravity, using God’s wisdom as your guiding light.
But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you. (Matthew 6:33)
Gospel of Peace
Know the Gospels.
Understand that we are warriors of love and every step we take must be rooted in the true desire for peace, as Jesus taught.
Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:7)
Shield of Faith
Always shield yourself against doubt, temptation, and sin by having faith in our all-knowing, all-powerful, ever-present God.
Now without faith it is impossible to please God, since the one who draws near to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him. (Hebrews 11:6)
Helmet of Salvation
Confidence in your salvation should exist in your mind through every victory and every battle in your life. Knowing how to use our minds is the strongest defense against the enemy.
Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God. (Romans 12:2)
Sword of the Spirit,
which is the word of God
Know scripture.
The more you know, the more you can think of the true words of God when you are having a difficult time.
When Jesus was in the wilderness fighting temptation, the Devil knew scripture too–and tried to use it against Him.
But Jesus knew the scriptures better and fought back with knowledge.
Keeping your mind as sharp as a sword is the key to victory in this life, and eternity in the next.
All Scripture is inspired by God and is profitable for teaching, for rebuking, for correcting, for training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work. (2 Timothy 3:16-17)
The name of the Lord is a strong tower;
Proverbs 18:10
the righteous run to it and are protected.